a dreamer's reality

It's been ages since I've got any time to update this blog. But before anything, a photo.

This picture comes from two nights ago, after laundry. If it's not that clear to you what it is, it's my wardrobe, colour-coded to near perfection. And with that, I can conclude that I have way too many clothes in NUS. But that's another story.

So I got my laptop back yesterday. One of the most awesome feelings ever. Especially since I've been running all over the place like a mad bull, working tirelessly from morning till night, and night till morning. A lot of things happened in the past week. Literally. When I saw a person two days after our last meeting, it felt like I haven't seen them for the longest time. Time suddenly just stretched out, but deadlines kept shrinking closer.

There's this slight thrill to just running around the place with a purpose, albeit with one of the stupidest ones I've ever heard. But yeah. Not having a computer makes you really think about what are the things you need to do in front of one, and doing it once you're in front of one. It's like one of those things you always take for granted, until it's no longer in your possession.

A lot of things have run through my head recently. Walking back in the middle of the night from the computer centre has given me a more than ample supply of time to think about a lot of things, and sometimes I hate the thinking. It's like I become more and more fatalistic, and it's rather saddening.

But when I think about it again, it's really not that bad.

I'm drowning in a sea of workload. And somehow, life drags me back to the stuff that really matters. The matters of the heart. I'm not saying that education and academics aren't important. But they aren't the things that you want to be worrying about at the end of your life's journey.

But if only I could find a way to make it distract me so badly, it became that, I wouldn't regret it either. Black and white is so much simpler than shades of grey.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to giving up on everything I thought was important, because suddenly I realise that it ain't so bad after all. Maybe it's just the kind of things I spend my time on that makes me think about all this. Which means I need a change of activities.

Did I mention the adrenaline rush I had without the computer? It was definitely fun.

Yeah, I'll post some other interesting stuff later on, if I've got the time. I barely squeezed this post out in a lull of activity, because I'm not feeling like doing anything at the moment. So I'm out. Dinner time!

Last Sunday, I wrote a blog post detailing how my life was pretty crappy, while being pretty awesome at the same time. In the end, I didn't submit it, because I realised that when it came down to the core, I was actually pretty fine. I had everything that I needed to lead a normal life, not happy nor fulfilling, but at least it worked.

Yesterday, my computer broke down in unimaginable ways. I had my laptop speakers replaced last week, and the motherboard had a broken pin at the end of it. So the guy offers to replace my motherboard, which I took up, and he did it yesterday. And my computer fried itself in the process, or something. Cause he tried a million times with multiple changes, and nothing worked.

At this point in time, I'm just all focused on what I have to do. To get things fine again. I have a lot of homework, and most of them require the computer. Partly because I hate printing stuff out, and because I want to save paper. But I'm stuck without a laptop.

Then it suddenly struck me. At the end of the day, even though so much has changed, the very core of me, the very essence, still remains. And it won't go away. In a way you could call it building walls around the people I know, in another I'm just trying to be the least nuisance to everybody around me.

I guess it takes something dreadful to happen before you actually realise the things you need to realise. Because now, I'm just stunned.

Keith was probably right. And it sucks. It sucks so terribly, this feeling of just having nobody to call. There's always a million expectations that you have for other people, and none of them are going to come true.

I understand most of the things that I need to understand. I really do. There aren't that many people who will not help you if you ask them, unless they are really busy. But somehow, I feel that even if they aren't, they're better off doing something else.

I have what I'd call a pathetic view of myself. Which is exactly what it means: I'm pathetic.

But even so, I'd wonder about a lot of things.

I even dreamt the most unlikely dream last night. Which was probably because I still couldn't accept that fact. Sadly, I still have too many judgement issues. I can't trust.

Anyway. You know, I thought I was going back to becoming normal, becoming something less of what I have felt for the past few years. Turns out that, when everything crumbles down, when everything fails to go the way you think it will, I'm still who I was. And it hurts.

Yet again, I find myself at the computer after one a.m., unable to fall asleep due to whatever reasons. My head has been spinning once again, and I've learnt to just let it run its course, because I usually never sleep until it quietens down.

Tonight, I was thinking about honesty. I remember there was this one time, when I was asked about some certain things, and I was really flustered because the answer had, in one way or another, involved her, the person who was asking me the questions. So I froze for a split second, and somehow or another we went on to another topic, which didn't involve me answering that question, so I was safe.

But I wonder, sometimes. At that very moment in time, why couldn't I answer? What stopped me? Honesty is one thing, but when it comes to answering things like this, why did I pause? What made me hesitate? Was it because I was unsure? Maybe I simply couldn't accept the answer myself. I have not been completely honest with myself.

If I were, it would be a simple question. Or was there something else stopping me? Sometimes, I find that having a voice inside my head that filters me whenever it likes, and lets me go loose on other occasions is a little irritating. Then again, I guess it just means I need to train it more. I've done things I've regretted far more times than I wish I did. Things that I did to put on a show, things that never resonated with my inner self.

That, perhaps, is just the life of a great pretender. You know, I loved that song (The Great Pretender by The Drifters) as a kid, never completely understanding the meaning of it. Now, looking back at all that I've done, pretending is probably one of the things I do best.

At the moment, I'm even trying to learn how to imitate facial expressions. And read them as well. But making those faces somehow can help hide your true feelings. It's like a perfect social tool. Short lapses of the truth do appear though, because at the end of the day, your body cannot help reacting to your true feelings.

I'm already going on a tangent here, but I'm going to explore where this goes for now.

I've actually tried to do a lot of expressions, most of it pretty successfully. But there's one, the smile of true enjoyment, also known as the Duchenne smile, evades me. Sometimes it seems that very few people actually exhibit it. Either that, or I just don't know how to identify it well enough yet. Myself, I don't even know if I've shown it. Even if I did, I think they are few enough to be counted in one hand.

And that's about all I'm going to say about that.

My head jumps off to another topic, one that I've just experienced recently. About how people have this assumption that everybody shares the same knowledge, and that their perspective is correct.

You know, if I were in your shoes, I'd know where I got them. But I'm not you. For the most part, I've always tried to find out where other people come from, when there is a person at the other end, but at other times, I'm just as guilty of it. Blatantly exclaiming that what's good for me must be good for you, and what's bad for me is also bad for you. To a certain degree, listening to other people tell you about their experiences is good, sometimes necessary even. For example, you don't need to smoke a cigarette to know that it's not good for you. Or jumping off the edge of a building is bad. I can't pull out any good “good” examples from the top of my head, so I shan't try. Perhaps because what's bad is more universal, and what's good is almost purely subjective. Which somehow, makes sense to me. “Beauty in the eye of the beholder”, eh?

I guess that's about it. It's almost 3 as I write this, after having some excursions, like eating, and anime, and other stuff. I think the things that were floating in my head are now gone, and so I shall take my leave.

Before that, I'm actually thinking of making a more formal kind of structure where I explore them in more detail. Maybe another blog or something. Then again, I doubt anybody would be interested, but I guess at the end of the day, it's actually more for me.

Yeah, so anyway. Time for sleep.

I think I overslept a great deal this morning. Plus, I've been doing nothing but brain-intensive stuff from morning till evening, and then some more. And I've been cleaning up some clutter, getting rid of the useless stuff, and bringing back some order into my life. Giving it a little more direction, perhaps.

I don't really have much to say today, but somehow, I feel like I'm avoiding some people. It just so happens that they meet me at the point when I feel like hiding in my room, perhaps, but still, to them, it's just me not seeing them.

Have you ever felt a time in your life when you had this drive to do something until completion, and you don't feel like doing anything else in the meantime? I've always had that back when I was nuts about anything and everything. I had bouts of sitting in front of my computer for as long as I needed, way into the wee hours of the night, just to complete it. Because somehow, the moment I detach myself from that flow, it never seems to come back.

That happened to me today. I skipped lunch, and was almost drawn to not eat dinner. I honestly didn't feel any hunger at all, up till the moment I stopped the flow. Somehow it drove me all the way. I kinda miss it actually. I had experienced it not many times in the past two years, but it is a welcome change.

Also, talking to a friend, I find that I need to keep myself more in check. It's like I can't stop my immature head from Primary Six from running loose. It's like Primary Six, except that we're all grown-ups now (for what it's worth). Sometimes thinking about the really stupid stuff I did back then makes me long for those days gone by. But thinking about it in another way, was it just me screaming for somebody to do exactly that to me? You see, I've always held to “do unto others what you want done unto you” quite tightly. Is it simply that? I hope not. Thinking back, I was probably the most annoying guy anywhere (and still am), and I was infamous. For all the wrong reasons. I guess I do need to keep it in check somehow.

And then there's the thing about trust and intimacy. It seems to me that somehow people have weird perceptions of others. I have tons of weird perceptions myself. Mostly they are untrue, but I still believe in them, because I'm not open enough. Hmm.

My head is running with a million thoughts about a million things. And like a turning wheel a million light years away from anything else, it continues to turn, eternally. Never stopping to breathe. I guess this is what darkness does to me now. I'll just have to embrace it.

So yeah, good night. I hope I wake up for my class tomorrow.

You know, I've always admired the Grey's Anatomy writers. They seem to always have a good script up their sleeves. Just as much as I expected what was going to happen, I didn't expect it to hit me like that. They were all these little moments. Small short periods that just seems to change everything. (Spoiler alert! Those who prefer to watch than read can skip to the next paragraph.) The moment when Cristina gave Owen away, just like that, I really saw that coming. I was waiting for it from the moment Cristina chased after Teddy. But it still hit me. Hard.

I guess sometimes it just takes a moment, one moment where you just stopped being the person you always tried to be, that the real you comes out. And sometimes, you don't know it until it happens.

Anyway, there's another thing I like about the series. It's the blog the writers keep, updated after every episode. I like how they describe the episode just oh-so-nicely, and with such language. It makes me wonder where they get their inspiration from. But then again, hey, they're writers. It's what they do best. Seeing such amazing prose makes me want to become better.

I suddenly realise that after all these years, I'm only very good at one thing. Giving up. It somehow comes naturally, like a resignation to fate, that it was all meant to be. Somehow I've become too reasonable, too enduring, too forgiving. And right now, I feel that if it doesn't stop, I'm going to end up nowhere.

It's like putting a limit on what I can do, and always stopping before that. Never even questioning that boundary. Never even asking why it is there. Never pushing it and striving for better. (This was inspired by episode 14 of Railgun.)

I think it has come to a point where I have exhausted any pool of natural talent that I had. Anything after this will come from the sheer desire of something far greater. The sheer will and determination to become better. And for once, I feel something stirring within me, a sleeping giant waking from its slumber.

“The reasonable man adapts to the environment, the unreasonable makes the environment adapt to him.” Spoken by George Bernard Shaw, this statement makes much sense to me right now.

Somehow, these past few days have taught me something far more important than the companionship that I long for. Something that resounds from within, not without. For a long time now, I've always known that you can't find your own worth via other people. If you did that, you'll always be dependent on others.

Instead, you have to find worth within yourself. Even though I knew it for so long, somehow, I couldn't find anything. Not until now. Perhaps it is only now that I've finally surfaced from the blues, or beginning to. Or maybe I'm still stuck in there somewhere, deluded into thinking I'm free. But one way or another, my head is clearing up.

Even so, I haven't found that one reason for me to live. If you have to know, a reason to live, is not the same as a reason not to die. You can be alive without living.

I suppose I'll find it along the way somewhere. I'm getting some kick out of studying recently, and I guess this fight-or-flight adrenaline rush isn't going away anytime soon. I'll just have to flow with it until it ends.

I wonder though, if other people find this all so absurd. But then again, even I think it's absurd at times. The only difference is, I have gone through it, while others might not have. That alone, makes it all worthwhile.

That's all I have to say for today, I guess.

I've got a ton of work to do tomorrow. You know, if I'm not really passionate about all this, at the end of the day, it's all just distractions. But I guess sometimes even distractions bring something to the table. You just might never know what might hit you.